Stoned Salad

Written by RichCosh
11am: It was a beautiful summer morning. The kind of morning that makes you stretch out nice and long and hold it for 5 minutes while letting out your weirdest noises. The kind of morning where you’re like, “Fuck yeah, I don’t have anything to do today until 5 o’clock.” The kind of morning where you finally say “Yes boyfriend, I would love to wake and bake with you.”
4pm: I’m still stoned. From that one bowl at 11am. Shit. I have to work in an hour. How do I usually get my high to wear off? Sleep. I don’t have time for that. Food. Yes, I have an hour to stuff my face and get rid of this high. Perfect.
5pm: I’m stoned at work. Surprisingly, I don’t enjoy being stoned in a restaurant full of strangers. Let alone strangers I need to explain a menu and serve food to. No one is aware of my nature yet. Maybe I can play it off. Just maybe.
Table numbers 1 through 5 – no problem. Table 6? Table 6 is where things got a little complicated. You see, table 6 wanted to know the difference between a side caesar salad, and a regular caesar salad. The side caesar is free, and the regular is $10. The simple solution would have been to show the customer the different sized plates we serve the salads on. The stoned solution was a bit more complicated…
Customer: “Can you tell me the difference in size between your side caesar salad and regular caesar salad?”
Me: “Sure. So, the side salad is this big (makes small hand gestures) and the regular salad is this big (makes big hand gestures). So like, if you wanted a small salad, you would get the side caesar because it’s this big (proceeds to make small hand gestures again) and if you wanted a bigger salad, you would get the regular salad because it’s this big (proceeds to make bigger hand gestures). So, do you want the salad that is this big (small hand gestures, again) or do you want the salad that is bigger, like this big (one final big hand gesture)?
Customer: “I’m going to pass on the salad.”
Me: “Really? Are you sure you don’t want the side caesar? I mean, it’s free and it’s only this big (ARE YOU SERIOUS? AGAIN WITH THE HAND GESTURES?).
Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”
I quickly scatter off into the service area, embarrased as shit that my perfect hand gestures couldn’t even sell a free salad, only to find my group of employees hiding around the corner – laughing their asses off – having witnessed my caesar salad debacle.
Me: “Guys, I’m so stoned!”
Collectively: “Ya think?! Pour yourself some coffee and pull yourself together.”
Aaaaand thats why I don’t serve stoned!

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